Do you think this would work?
I stand on the top of my building or some tall building or a bridge.
Threaten to jump.
I will only not jump if someone will help me with this. Either give me rifaximin, or the breath test. NOW.
I'm not thinking positively right now at all.
Friday 8 August 2014
OMG OMG Found a Naturopath
Ok, this Naturopath in my city has SIBO listed as something they treat right on their website.
They do the breath test in office and send it to the States.
They treat it with herbs, diet and supplements.
They treat it often and successfully.
I am going to an appointment on the 19th of August; this is the initial consultation, then I can book the tests.
The tests alone will be over $500. I have benefits that cover $500 of Naturopathy. Better than nothing I suppose.
I guess getting this figured out is priceless. I know in the States it would be way more expensive.
If I wait 9 months I could just do the free test. But I am losing the ability to work because I am dealing with the symptoms so much.
So, does this mean I am abandoning the experiment? I will keep posting about what happens. I have no idea what this will bring. I just know that I have been dealing with this for two years, and I really really need it to end.
I will keep my free test booked as well. Actually, it's not even booked, it's just pending. I am not cancelling that shit.
They do the breath test in office and send it to the States.
They treat it with herbs, diet and supplements.
They treat it often and successfully.
I am going to an appointment on the 19th of August; this is the initial consultation, then I can book the tests.
The tests alone will be over $500. I have benefits that cover $500 of Naturopathy. Better than nothing I suppose.
I guess getting this figured out is priceless. I know in the States it would be way more expensive.
If I wait 9 months I could just do the free test. But I am losing the ability to work because I am dealing with the symptoms so much.
So, does this mean I am abandoning the experiment? I will keep posting about what happens. I have no idea what this will bring. I just know that I have been dealing with this for two years, and I really really need it to end.
I will keep my free test booked as well. Actually, it's not even booked, it's just pending. I am not cancelling that shit.
Up and Down
Had a great night last night. Was in such a great mood. Like, feeling so good. Just perfect. My normal happy self. Went for a swim with fiance, had some really nice time together, got a bunch of stuff done.....
I was having rumblings throughout the day, so I ate a little raw garlic with my lunch and dinner to see if it would kill it...
I guess it really did.
Today, not feeling good. Having a hard time feeling "completely done" after going to the bathroom. I HATE THIS FEELING. It is the WORST feeling. I feel disgusting and full like my belly is huge and ugh ugh ugh.....
I smoked a cigarette to try to get more to come out. I hate doing that because it sabotages my singing voice. I have some important singing coming up.
I did a small coconut oil enema. I am waiting for it to come out. Usually one cup can stay in there for a while.
I am so so so uncomfortable.
I am calling naturopaths in my city, WHO KNOWS ABOUT SIBO?? Why can no one help me with this fucking problem????????????????????????????????????????
I feel again like I can't take it. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go do these things I am meant to do today. I feel depressed and horrible.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
I just want to feel like my body works normally. Why does it have to be so hard?
I was having rumblings throughout the day, so I ate a little raw garlic with my lunch and dinner to see if it would kill it...
I guess it really did.
Today, not feeling good. Having a hard time feeling "completely done" after going to the bathroom. I HATE THIS FEELING. It is the WORST feeling. I feel disgusting and full like my belly is huge and ugh ugh ugh.....
I smoked a cigarette to try to get more to come out. I hate doing that because it sabotages my singing voice. I have some important singing coming up.
I did a small coconut oil enema. I am waiting for it to come out. Usually one cup can stay in there for a while.
I am so so so uncomfortable.
I am calling naturopaths in my city, WHO KNOWS ABOUT SIBO?? Why can no one help me with this fucking problem????????????????????????????????????????
I feel again like I can't take it. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go do these things I am meant to do today. I feel depressed and horrible.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
I just want to feel like my body works normally. Why does it have to be so hard?
Thursday 7 August 2014
Today's Mantra - Juicy Details
So as I was saying, one of my clients is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. She briefly introduced me to the concept of "balanced and unbalanced thoughts" last night.
I didn't want to tell her my whole embarrassing story; she is a client and I also work with her children, but this is what I took away from it.
We are all prone to having unbalanced thoughts. An unbalanced thought has elements of judgement, assumption, subjective type things rather than objective.
For example : I am a bad person because of the way it ended with my ex.
This would be an unbalanced thought. What I did was bad, but I am not a bad person. (At least that's what I am attempting to believe, not sure I am 100% there yet.)
So, I am trying to correct this by repeating a balanced thought like this: People love me because I am a good person.
(I don't know if this is actually a balanced thought! All I know is it is a counter-thought.)
I have said this multiple times to myself today now. I used to feel like a good person, so it's not a complete stretch.
I do remember specifically a conversation with someone who very vocally chose to take my ex's "side". He said to me on the phone "you act like such a good person, with all your activism on Facebook and talk about animals and the environment, but you aren't a good person, and I thought everybody should know."
I was outed as being a "bad person" and I lost quite a few friends. I lost friends, but the worst part was how much it hurt my ex. And that is when I got SIBO.
I still have friends. My family loves me. My fiance and I, well, we turned our worlds upside down to be together. It's real true love that I was lead to in prophetic dreams. It's not like I don't have love in my life. But I have SO much guilt, so much anger at myself, so much regret in how I handled that situation. I loved my ex, I still do, he is a great person, and I can FEEL it in the energy around me how much he hates me/loves me/was and is still hurt by me lying to him.
That is why this thought might help. People love me and I am a good person.
I didn't want to tell her my whole embarrassing story; she is a client and I also work with her children, but this is what I took away from it.
We are all prone to having unbalanced thoughts. An unbalanced thought has elements of judgement, assumption, subjective type things rather than objective.
For example : I am a bad person because of the way it ended with my ex.
This would be an unbalanced thought. What I did was bad, but I am not a bad person. (At least that's what I am attempting to believe, not sure I am 100% there yet.)
So, I am trying to correct this by repeating a balanced thought like this: People love me because I am a good person.
(I don't know if this is actually a balanced thought! All I know is it is a counter-thought.)
I have said this multiple times to myself today now. I used to feel like a good person, so it's not a complete stretch.
I do remember specifically a conversation with someone who very vocally chose to take my ex's "side". He said to me on the phone "you act like such a good person, with all your activism on Facebook and talk about animals and the environment, but you aren't a good person, and I thought everybody should know."
I was outed as being a "bad person" and I lost quite a few friends. I lost friends, but the worst part was how much it hurt my ex. And that is when I got SIBO.
I still have friends. My family loves me. My fiance and I, well, we turned our worlds upside down to be together. It's real true love that I was lead to in prophetic dreams. It's not like I don't have love in my life. But I have SO much guilt, so much anger at myself, so much regret in how I handled that situation. I loved my ex, I still do, he is a great person, and I can FEEL it in the energy around me how much he hates me/loves me/was and is still hurt by me lying to him.
That is why this thought might help. People love me and I am a good person.
Good Morning Pranayama
Here's what I just did;
- Alternate nostril breathing with holds on the in breath and the out breath. As I breathed in I said to me self "I am a good person" as I held I repeated that, as I exhaled I repeated that. It became my mantra and my counter/timer.
- Then I did Lion's Breath; inhaled up through my Chakra's and told myself "I am a good person". On exhale with tongue out I though "every day in every day I am getting better, so relax".
- Then I did I forget what it's called, the one where you pump your stomach. On in breath I thought "people love me because I am a good person". Then count 10 pumps. Then out breath think "everyday in every way I am getting better, so relax."
Total time = 20 mins
- Alternate nostril breathing with holds on the in breath and the out breath. As I breathed in I said to me self "I am a good person" as I held I repeated that, as I exhaled I repeated that. It became my mantra and my counter/timer.
- Then I did Lion's Breath; inhaled up through my Chakra's and told myself "I am a good person". On exhale with tongue out I though "every day in every day I am getting better, so relax".
- Then I did I forget what it's called, the one where you pump your stomach. On in breath I thought "people love me because I am a good person". Then count 10 pumps. Then out breath think "everyday in every way I am getting better, so relax."
Total time = 20 mins
What I did in the middle of the night....
Before going to bed, I felt fine. I almost took some yucca, but then thought, no, I don't feel bad from the Indian, so don't take anything.
I put one yucca pill on the night stand just in case I wanted to in the middle of the night.
I got up to pee around 3am. I took the yucca.
I instantly felt all sorts of activity in the upper GI.
Lying back in bed, I tried not to curse myself.
Was it good I took the yucca? Was it fighting something I was going to feel later anyway? The yucca I took BEFORE dinner definitely calmed the flutteries. Or did I just provoke something with the yucca that would have been fine had I LEFT IT ALONE.
I am choosing to believe it was a good preventative measure. It is getting to hard to be mad at myself all the time.
I feel a little fluttery this morning too. Will take another dose of yucca, then try to leave it alone.
I put one yucca pill on the night stand just in case I wanted to in the middle of the night.
I got up to pee around 3am. I took the yucca.
I instantly felt all sorts of activity in the upper GI.
Lying back in bed, I tried not to curse myself.
Was it good I took the yucca? Was it fighting something I was going to feel later anyway? The yucca I took BEFORE dinner definitely calmed the flutteries. Or did I just provoke something with the yucca that would have been fine had I LEFT IT ALONE.
I am choosing to believe it was a good preventative measure. It is getting to hard to be mad at myself all the time.
I feel a little fluttery this morning too. Will take another dose of yucca, then try to leave it alone.
Wednesday 6 August 2014
A Midsummers Day Brain
This is how my mind has gone along since I last wrote;
- Listen to Bruce Lipton on Youtube. He talks about how the environment of a cell is more important to it's health than it's genes. He talks about how fetuses are getting programmed by their mother's emotions while pregnant. That is not a good start for me. I am sure my mom was very stressed out.
- Teach a nice yoga/pilates class at the gym. That always makes me feel good.
- Eat lunch on subway; I know people think this is wrong to do, but I have 30 minutes to kill. While eating I focus on 3rd Chakra and think; I am meant to be here on this planet, I have a purpose, I am healthy. Positive thoughts, everything is great. I digest this food well and it serves me in health.
- After getting where I am going, I feel a giant mood drop. Feeling funny tummy feelings. Feel on the verge of tears, I don't want to deal with this right now.
- Get back on subway about 2 hours later, do some Chakra meditation. Love, breathe, relax. It's going to be ok. In the back of my mind I think of just quitting all work and stopping to eat until someone either helps me or I starve or I finally starve out whatever alien bugs have taken over my guts.
- Get to next place I am going, keep it together for work. End up talking to client who is a therapist in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and how it could maybe help me. This is her specialty. She used to get IBS, believe this helped. She hasn't had any IBS since having her kids. She suggests I get pregnant. Funnily enough, my mom said she has lots of constipation until she gave birth to me, then never again.
- On the way home think about releasing the guilt I feel over ex. Release, release, forgive myself. I wish I could know if he forgives me. It's ok. Start thinking about the CBT idea of balanced thoughts. Realize I have been thinking of myself as a "bad person". Start trying to balance by thinking to myself "I am a good person". Don't get angry at myself, be nice to myself, I am a good person, it's ok that I ate the squash..... But in the back of my mind I think, it would be so easy just to end it all.....
- Get home; fiancé is putting together some new furniture, so I suggest we order instead of cook. Indian has been lurking on the menu for a long time, but I keep putting it off due to fear; fear of spiciness and onions. But tonight I think, eff it, lets do it so you can put together the desk. I'm brave, I'm healthy, I'm normal, everything is going to be ok. (I could cook, but my foot is kind of bummy still after being out and about on it all day.....)
- I sit down to do some work, and I feel the funny flutters in the tummy; it's a pre-SIBO kind of feeling. That danm squash! I start getting angry at myself; WHY did I eat the squash after doing the coconut oil day? Why did I do a coconut oil day, could it make me worse? What if I am worse? What it only keeps getting worse?
- Fiance notices I am silently freaking out. I tell him I want to kill myself. I didn't say it for drama, I just can't handle this feeling anymore. Like, I am so tired of talking to him about it; he doesnt deserve it. He says not to say that. He says he believes there is nothing wrong with me, I have to believe it to, that I am not really doing my experiment if I don't believe it. I tell him I am scared to eat the Indian food. He says he loves me, just believe there is nothing wrong with me, he believes I can do it. He says no more stuff, no more tinkering, no more coconut oil days and weird experiments. No more reading about SIBO on the internet for hours every day. Ok ok, I really am just keeping it together for him. But I am going to take some yucca root before the food comes because it does seem to really really help with gas without burning my tummy. He gives me his blessing to do that, but then I must stop thinking about it.
- Indian food comes. Halfway though eating it, I notice there are tons of chunks of onions in the sag paneer! Hm. I specifically asked for no added onions! I pick out the rest of what I can see. Sigh.
- I don't really feel anything for a while after eating. That's good because usually an attack happens within 2 minutes of me swallowing the first bite.
- After about 20 minutes I feel the familiar feeling of tummy rumblings. It could still be bad, it could still be an attack. But right now I am feeling ok about it. I don't feel stressed. I don't feel anxious. It might blow, it could be an attack. I have no idea. I will take more yucca in about an hour. And wait. And in the meantime I will do my work and think to myself, there is nothing wrong with me. My body is amazing and healthy and able to heal itself from anything. I love myself and I am a good person. I will be extra nice to my fiancé for always putting up with my crap.
- I open the invitation his mom has sent; she is throwing me a bridal shower. He says he thinks she is very excited to have a daughter now, cause she only has had sons until now. I say I hope I am not a disappointment as a daughter. Jeez, I'm so down on myself! Look at the way I think about myself! It's out of control. Did I used to be this bad? Maybe subconsciously I have always been, but am only now noticing? I know I used to ACT more happy....
- Decide to blog it all.
-All you need is love, dun da da da daaaaa, love is all you need.
- After proof reading the blog post, I am still not having an attack. I will not judge it either way. Tell fiancé he is cute.
Sending love to the world,
-L
- Listen to Bruce Lipton on Youtube. He talks about how the environment of a cell is more important to it's health than it's genes. He talks about how fetuses are getting programmed by their mother's emotions while pregnant. That is not a good start for me. I am sure my mom was very stressed out.
- Teach a nice yoga/pilates class at the gym. That always makes me feel good.
- Eat lunch on subway; I know people think this is wrong to do, but I have 30 minutes to kill. While eating I focus on 3rd Chakra and think; I am meant to be here on this planet, I have a purpose, I am healthy. Positive thoughts, everything is great. I digest this food well and it serves me in health.
- After getting where I am going, I feel a giant mood drop. Feeling funny tummy feelings. Feel on the verge of tears, I don't want to deal with this right now.
- Get back on subway about 2 hours later, do some Chakra meditation. Love, breathe, relax. It's going to be ok. In the back of my mind I think of just quitting all work and stopping to eat until someone either helps me or I starve or I finally starve out whatever alien bugs have taken over my guts.
- Get to next place I am going, keep it together for work. End up talking to client who is a therapist in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and how it could maybe help me. This is her specialty. She used to get IBS, believe this helped. She hasn't had any IBS since having her kids. She suggests I get pregnant. Funnily enough, my mom said she has lots of constipation until she gave birth to me, then never again.
- On the way home think about releasing the guilt I feel over ex. Release, release, forgive myself. I wish I could know if he forgives me. It's ok. Start thinking about the CBT idea of balanced thoughts. Realize I have been thinking of myself as a "bad person". Start trying to balance by thinking to myself "I am a good person". Don't get angry at myself, be nice to myself, I am a good person, it's ok that I ate the squash..... But in the back of my mind I think, it would be so easy just to end it all.....
- Get home; fiancé is putting together some new furniture, so I suggest we order instead of cook. Indian has been lurking on the menu for a long time, but I keep putting it off due to fear; fear of spiciness and onions. But tonight I think, eff it, lets do it so you can put together the desk. I'm brave, I'm healthy, I'm normal, everything is going to be ok. (I could cook, but my foot is kind of bummy still after being out and about on it all day.....)
- I sit down to do some work, and I feel the funny flutters in the tummy; it's a pre-SIBO kind of feeling. That danm squash! I start getting angry at myself; WHY did I eat the squash after doing the coconut oil day? Why did I do a coconut oil day, could it make me worse? What if I am worse? What it only keeps getting worse?
- Fiance notices I am silently freaking out. I tell him I want to kill myself. I didn't say it for drama, I just can't handle this feeling anymore. Like, I am so tired of talking to him about it; he doesnt deserve it. He says not to say that. He says he believes there is nothing wrong with me, I have to believe it to, that I am not really doing my experiment if I don't believe it. I tell him I am scared to eat the Indian food. He says he loves me, just believe there is nothing wrong with me, he believes I can do it. He says no more stuff, no more tinkering, no more coconut oil days and weird experiments. No more reading about SIBO on the internet for hours every day. Ok ok, I really am just keeping it together for him. But I am going to take some yucca root before the food comes because it does seem to really really help with gas without burning my tummy. He gives me his blessing to do that, but then I must stop thinking about it.
- Indian food comes. Halfway though eating it, I notice there are tons of chunks of onions in the sag paneer! Hm. I specifically asked for no added onions! I pick out the rest of what I can see. Sigh.
- I don't really feel anything for a while after eating. That's good because usually an attack happens within 2 minutes of me swallowing the first bite.
- After about 20 minutes I feel the familiar feeling of tummy rumblings. It could still be bad, it could still be an attack. But right now I am feeling ok about it. I don't feel stressed. I don't feel anxious. It might blow, it could be an attack. I have no idea. I will take more yucca in about an hour. And wait. And in the meantime I will do my work and think to myself, there is nothing wrong with me. My body is amazing and healthy and able to heal itself from anything. I love myself and I am a good person. I will be extra nice to my fiancé for always putting up with my crap.
- I open the invitation his mom has sent; she is throwing me a bridal shower. He says he thinks she is very excited to have a daughter now, cause she only has had sons until now. I say I hope I am not a disappointment as a daughter. Jeez, I'm so down on myself! Look at the way I think about myself! It's out of control. Did I used to be this bad? Maybe subconsciously I have always been, but am only now noticing? I know I used to ACT more happy....
- Decide to blog it all.
-All you need is love, dun da da da daaaaa, love is all you need.
- After proof reading the blog post, I am still not having an attack. I will not judge it either way. Tell fiancé he is cute.
Sending love to the world,
-L
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