Do you think this would work?
I stand on the top of my building or some tall building or a bridge.
Threaten to jump.
I will only not jump if someone will help me with this. Either give me rifaximin, or the breath test. NOW.
I'm not thinking positively right now at all.
Friday 8 August 2014
OMG OMG Found a Naturopath
Ok, this Naturopath in my city has SIBO listed as something they treat right on their website.
They do the breath test in office and send it to the States.
They treat it with herbs, diet and supplements.
They treat it often and successfully.
I am going to an appointment on the 19th of August; this is the initial consultation, then I can book the tests.
The tests alone will be over $500. I have benefits that cover $500 of Naturopathy. Better than nothing I suppose.
I guess getting this figured out is priceless. I know in the States it would be way more expensive.
If I wait 9 months I could just do the free test. But I am losing the ability to work because I am dealing with the symptoms so much.
So, does this mean I am abandoning the experiment? I will keep posting about what happens. I have no idea what this will bring. I just know that I have been dealing with this for two years, and I really really need it to end.
I will keep my free test booked as well. Actually, it's not even booked, it's just pending. I am not cancelling that shit.
They do the breath test in office and send it to the States.
They treat it with herbs, diet and supplements.
They treat it often and successfully.
I am going to an appointment on the 19th of August; this is the initial consultation, then I can book the tests.
The tests alone will be over $500. I have benefits that cover $500 of Naturopathy. Better than nothing I suppose.
I guess getting this figured out is priceless. I know in the States it would be way more expensive.
If I wait 9 months I could just do the free test. But I am losing the ability to work because I am dealing with the symptoms so much.
So, does this mean I am abandoning the experiment? I will keep posting about what happens. I have no idea what this will bring. I just know that I have been dealing with this for two years, and I really really need it to end.
I will keep my free test booked as well. Actually, it's not even booked, it's just pending. I am not cancelling that shit.
Up and Down
Had a great night last night. Was in such a great mood. Like, feeling so good. Just perfect. My normal happy self. Went for a swim with fiance, had some really nice time together, got a bunch of stuff done.....
I was having rumblings throughout the day, so I ate a little raw garlic with my lunch and dinner to see if it would kill it...
I guess it really did.
Today, not feeling good. Having a hard time feeling "completely done" after going to the bathroom. I HATE THIS FEELING. It is the WORST feeling. I feel disgusting and full like my belly is huge and ugh ugh ugh.....
I smoked a cigarette to try to get more to come out. I hate doing that because it sabotages my singing voice. I have some important singing coming up.
I did a small coconut oil enema. I am waiting for it to come out. Usually one cup can stay in there for a while.
I am so so so uncomfortable.
I am calling naturopaths in my city, WHO KNOWS ABOUT SIBO?? Why can no one help me with this fucking problem????????????????????????????????????????
I feel again like I can't take it. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go do these things I am meant to do today. I feel depressed and horrible.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
I just want to feel like my body works normally. Why does it have to be so hard?
I was having rumblings throughout the day, so I ate a little raw garlic with my lunch and dinner to see if it would kill it...
I guess it really did.
Today, not feeling good. Having a hard time feeling "completely done" after going to the bathroom. I HATE THIS FEELING. It is the WORST feeling. I feel disgusting and full like my belly is huge and ugh ugh ugh.....
I smoked a cigarette to try to get more to come out. I hate doing that because it sabotages my singing voice. I have some important singing coming up.
I did a small coconut oil enema. I am waiting for it to come out. Usually one cup can stay in there for a while.
I am so so so uncomfortable.
I am calling naturopaths in my city, WHO KNOWS ABOUT SIBO?? Why can no one help me with this fucking problem????????????????????????????????????????
I feel again like I can't take it. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go do these things I am meant to do today. I feel depressed and horrible.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
I just want to feel like my body works normally. Why does it have to be so hard?
Thursday 7 August 2014
Today's Mantra - Juicy Details
So as I was saying, one of my clients is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. She briefly introduced me to the concept of "balanced and unbalanced thoughts" last night.
I didn't want to tell her my whole embarrassing story; she is a client and I also work with her children, but this is what I took away from it.
We are all prone to having unbalanced thoughts. An unbalanced thought has elements of judgement, assumption, subjective type things rather than objective.
For example : I am a bad person because of the way it ended with my ex.
This would be an unbalanced thought. What I did was bad, but I am not a bad person. (At least that's what I am attempting to believe, not sure I am 100% there yet.)
So, I am trying to correct this by repeating a balanced thought like this: People love me because I am a good person.
(I don't know if this is actually a balanced thought! All I know is it is a counter-thought.)
I have said this multiple times to myself today now. I used to feel like a good person, so it's not a complete stretch.
I do remember specifically a conversation with someone who very vocally chose to take my ex's "side". He said to me on the phone "you act like such a good person, with all your activism on Facebook and talk about animals and the environment, but you aren't a good person, and I thought everybody should know."
I was outed as being a "bad person" and I lost quite a few friends. I lost friends, but the worst part was how much it hurt my ex. And that is when I got SIBO.
I still have friends. My family loves me. My fiance and I, well, we turned our worlds upside down to be together. It's real true love that I was lead to in prophetic dreams. It's not like I don't have love in my life. But I have SO much guilt, so much anger at myself, so much regret in how I handled that situation. I loved my ex, I still do, he is a great person, and I can FEEL it in the energy around me how much he hates me/loves me/was and is still hurt by me lying to him.
That is why this thought might help. People love me and I am a good person.
I didn't want to tell her my whole embarrassing story; she is a client and I also work with her children, but this is what I took away from it.
We are all prone to having unbalanced thoughts. An unbalanced thought has elements of judgement, assumption, subjective type things rather than objective.
For example : I am a bad person because of the way it ended with my ex.
This would be an unbalanced thought. What I did was bad, but I am not a bad person. (At least that's what I am attempting to believe, not sure I am 100% there yet.)
So, I am trying to correct this by repeating a balanced thought like this: People love me because I am a good person.
(I don't know if this is actually a balanced thought! All I know is it is a counter-thought.)
I have said this multiple times to myself today now. I used to feel like a good person, so it's not a complete stretch.
I do remember specifically a conversation with someone who very vocally chose to take my ex's "side". He said to me on the phone "you act like such a good person, with all your activism on Facebook and talk about animals and the environment, but you aren't a good person, and I thought everybody should know."
I was outed as being a "bad person" and I lost quite a few friends. I lost friends, but the worst part was how much it hurt my ex. And that is when I got SIBO.
I still have friends. My family loves me. My fiance and I, well, we turned our worlds upside down to be together. It's real true love that I was lead to in prophetic dreams. It's not like I don't have love in my life. But I have SO much guilt, so much anger at myself, so much regret in how I handled that situation. I loved my ex, I still do, he is a great person, and I can FEEL it in the energy around me how much he hates me/loves me/was and is still hurt by me lying to him.
That is why this thought might help. People love me and I am a good person.
Good Morning Pranayama
Here's what I just did;
- Alternate nostril breathing with holds on the in breath and the out breath. As I breathed in I said to me self "I am a good person" as I held I repeated that, as I exhaled I repeated that. It became my mantra and my counter/timer.
- Then I did Lion's Breath; inhaled up through my Chakra's and told myself "I am a good person". On exhale with tongue out I though "every day in every day I am getting better, so relax".
- Then I did I forget what it's called, the one where you pump your stomach. On in breath I thought "people love me because I am a good person". Then count 10 pumps. Then out breath think "everyday in every way I am getting better, so relax."
Total time = 20 mins
- Alternate nostril breathing with holds on the in breath and the out breath. As I breathed in I said to me self "I am a good person" as I held I repeated that, as I exhaled I repeated that. It became my mantra and my counter/timer.
- Then I did Lion's Breath; inhaled up through my Chakra's and told myself "I am a good person". On exhale with tongue out I though "every day in every day I am getting better, so relax".
- Then I did I forget what it's called, the one where you pump your stomach. On in breath I thought "people love me because I am a good person". Then count 10 pumps. Then out breath think "everyday in every way I am getting better, so relax."
Total time = 20 mins
What I did in the middle of the night....
Before going to bed, I felt fine. I almost took some yucca, but then thought, no, I don't feel bad from the Indian, so don't take anything.
I put one yucca pill on the night stand just in case I wanted to in the middle of the night.
I got up to pee around 3am. I took the yucca.
I instantly felt all sorts of activity in the upper GI.
Lying back in bed, I tried not to curse myself.
Was it good I took the yucca? Was it fighting something I was going to feel later anyway? The yucca I took BEFORE dinner definitely calmed the flutteries. Or did I just provoke something with the yucca that would have been fine had I LEFT IT ALONE.
I am choosing to believe it was a good preventative measure. It is getting to hard to be mad at myself all the time.
I feel a little fluttery this morning too. Will take another dose of yucca, then try to leave it alone.
I put one yucca pill on the night stand just in case I wanted to in the middle of the night.
I got up to pee around 3am. I took the yucca.
I instantly felt all sorts of activity in the upper GI.
Lying back in bed, I tried not to curse myself.
Was it good I took the yucca? Was it fighting something I was going to feel later anyway? The yucca I took BEFORE dinner definitely calmed the flutteries. Or did I just provoke something with the yucca that would have been fine had I LEFT IT ALONE.
I am choosing to believe it was a good preventative measure. It is getting to hard to be mad at myself all the time.
I feel a little fluttery this morning too. Will take another dose of yucca, then try to leave it alone.
Wednesday 6 August 2014
A Midsummers Day Brain
This is how my mind has gone along since I last wrote;
- Listen to Bruce Lipton on Youtube. He talks about how the environment of a cell is more important to it's health than it's genes. He talks about how fetuses are getting programmed by their mother's emotions while pregnant. That is not a good start for me. I am sure my mom was very stressed out.
- Teach a nice yoga/pilates class at the gym. That always makes me feel good.
- Eat lunch on subway; I know people think this is wrong to do, but I have 30 minutes to kill. While eating I focus on 3rd Chakra and think; I am meant to be here on this planet, I have a purpose, I am healthy. Positive thoughts, everything is great. I digest this food well and it serves me in health.
- After getting where I am going, I feel a giant mood drop. Feeling funny tummy feelings. Feel on the verge of tears, I don't want to deal with this right now.
- Get back on subway about 2 hours later, do some Chakra meditation. Love, breathe, relax. It's going to be ok. In the back of my mind I think of just quitting all work and stopping to eat until someone either helps me or I starve or I finally starve out whatever alien bugs have taken over my guts.
- Get to next place I am going, keep it together for work. End up talking to client who is a therapist in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and how it could maybe help me. This is her specialty. She used to get IBS, believe this helped. She hasn't had any IBS since having her kids. She suggests I get pregnant. Funnily enough, my mom said she has lots of constipation until she gave birth to me, then never again.
- On the way home think about releasing the guilt I feel over ex. Release, release, forgive myself. I wish I could know if he forgives me. It's ok. Start thinking about the CBT idea of balanced thoughts. Realize I have been thinking of myself as a "bad person". Start trying to balance by thinking to myself "I am a good person". Don't get angry at myself, be nice to myself, I am a good person, it's ok that I ate the squash..... But in the back of my mind I think, it would be so easy just to end it all.....
- Get home; fiancé is putting together some new furniture, so I suggest we order instead of cook. Indian has been lurking on the menu for a long time, but I keep putting it off due to fear; fear of spiciness and onions. But tonight I think, eff it, lets do it so you can put together the desk. I'm brave, I'm healthy, I'm normal, everything is going to be ok. (I could cook, but my foot is kind of bummy still after being out and about on it all day.....)
- I sit down to do some work, and I feel the funny flutters in the tummy; it's a pre-SIBO kind of feeling. That danm squash! I start getting angry at myself; WHY did I eat the squash after doing the coconut oil day? Why did I do a coconut oil day, could it make me worse? What if I am worse? What it only keeps getting worse?
- Fiance notices I am silently freaking out. I tell him I want to kill myself. I didn't say it for drama, I just can't handle this feeling anymore. Like, I am so tired of talking to him about it; he doesnt deserve it. He says not to say that. He says he believes there is nothing wrong with me, I have to believe it to, that I am not really doing my experiment if I don't believe it. I tell him I am scared to eat the Indian food. He says he loves me, just believe there is nothing wrong with me, he believes I can do it. He says no more stuff, no more tinkering, no more coconut oil days and weird experiments. No more reading about SIBO on the internet for hours every day. Ok ok, I really am just keeping it together for him. But I am going to take some yucca root before the food comes because it does seem to really really help with gas without burning my tummy. He gives me his blessing to do that, but then I must stop thinking about it.
- Indian food comes. Halfway though eating it, I notice there are tons of chunks of onions in the sag paneer! Hm. I specifically asked for no added onions! I pick out the rest of what I can see. Sigh.
- I don't really feel anything for a while after eating. That's good because usually an attack happens within 2 minutes of me swallowing the first bite.
- After about 20 minutes I feel the familiar feeling of tummy rumblings. It could still be bad, it could still be an attack. But right now I am feeling ok about it. I don't feel stressed. I don't feel anxious. It might blow, it could be an attack. I have no idea. I will take more yucca in about an hour. And wait. And in the meantime I will do my work and think to myself, there is nothing wrong with me. My body is amazing and healthy and able to heal itself from anything. I love myself and I am a good person. I will be extra nice to my fiancé for always putting up with my crap.
- I open the invitation his mom has sent; she is throwing me a bridal shower. He says he thinks she is very excited to have a daughter now, cause she only has had sons until now. I say I hope I am not a disappointment as a daughter. Jeez, I'm so down on myself! Look at the way I think about myself! It's out of control. Did I used to be this bad? Maybe subconsciously I have always been, but am only now noticing? I know I used to ACT more happy....
- Decide to blog it all.
-All you need is love, dun da da da daaaaa, love is all you need.
- After proof reading the blog post, I am still not having an attack. I will not judge it either way. Tell fiancé he is cute.
Sending love to the world,
-L
- Listen to Bruce Lipton on Youtube. He talks about how the environment of a cell is more important to it's health than it's genes. He talks about how fetuses are getting programmed by their mother's emotions while pregnant. That is not a good start for me. I am sure my mom was very stressed out.
- Teach a nice yoga/pilates class at the gym. That always makes me feel good.
- Eat lunch on subway; I know people think this is wrong to do, but I have 30 minutes to kill. While eating I focus on 3rd Chakra and think; I am meant to be here on this planet, I have a purpose, I am healthy. Positive thoughts, everything is great. I digest this food well and it serves me in health.
- After getting where I am going, I feel a giant mood drop. Feeling funny tummy feelings. Feel on the verge of tears, I don't want to deal with this right now.
- Get back on subway about 2 hours later, do some Chakra meditation. Love, breathe, relax. It's going to be ok. In the back of my mind I think of just quitting all work and stopping to eat until someone either helps me or I starve or I finally starve out whatever alien bugs have taken over my guts.
- Get to next place I am going, keep it together for work. End up talking to client who is a therapist in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and how it could maybe help me. This is her specialty. She used to get IBS, believe this helped. She hasn't had any IBS since having her kids. She suggests I get pregnant. Funnily enough, my mom said she has lots of constipation until she gave birth to me, then never again.
- On the way home think about releasing the guilt I feel over ex. Release, release, forgive myself. I wish I could know if he forgives me. It's ok. Start thinking about the CBT idea of balanced thoughts. Realize I have been thinking of myself as a "bad person". Start trying to balance by thinking to myself "I am a good person". Don't get angry at myself, be nice to myself, I am a good person, it's ok that I ate the squash..... But in the back of my mind I think, it would be so easy just to end it all.....
- Get home; fiancé is putting together some new furniture, so I suggest we order instead of cook. Indian has been lurking on the menu for a long time, but I keep putting it off due to fear; fear of spiciness and onions. But tonight I think, eff it, lets do it so you can put together the desk. I'm brave, I'm healthy, I'm normal, everything is going to be ok. (I could cook, but my foot is kind of bummy still after being out and about on it all day.....)
- I sit down to do some work, and I feel the funny flutters in the tummy; it's a pre-SIBO kind of feeling. That danm squash! I start getting angry at myself; WHY did I eat the squash after doing the coconut oil day? Why did I do a coconut oil day, could it make me worse? What if I am worse? What it only keeps getting worse?
- Fiance notices I am silently freaking out. I tell him I want to kill myself. I didn't say it for drama, I just can't handle this feeling anymore. Like, I am so tired of talking to him about it; he doesnt deserve it. He says not to say that. He says he believes there is nothing wrong with me, I have to believe it to, that I am not really doing my experiment if I don't believe it. I tell him I am scared to eat the Indian food. He says he loves me, just believe there is nothing wrong with me, he believes I can do it. He says no more stuff, no more tinkering, no more coconut oil days and weird experiments. No more reading about SIBO on the internet for hours every day. Ok ok, I really am just keeping it together for him. But I am going to take some yucca root before the food comes because it does seem to really really help with gas without burning my tummy. He gives me his blessing to do that, but then I must stop thinking about it.
- Indian food comes. Halfway though eating it, I notice there are tons of chunks of onions in the sag paneer! Hm. I specifically asked for no added onions! I pick out the rest of what I can see. Sigh.
- I don't really feel anything for a while after eating. That's good because usually an attack happens within 2 minutes of me swallowing the first bite.
- After about 20 minutes I feel the familiar feeling of tummy rumblings. It could still be bad, it could still be an attack. But right now I am feeling ok about it. I don't feel stressed. I don't feel anxious. It might blow, it could be an attack. I have no idea. I will take more yucca in about an hour. And wait. And in the meantime I will do my work and think to myself, there is nothing wrong with me. My body is amazing and healthy and able to heal itself from anything. I love myself and I am a good person. I will be extra nice to my fiancé for always putting up with my crap.
- I open the invitation his mom has sent; she is throwing me a bridal shower. He says he thinks she is very excited to have a daughter now, cause she only has had sons until now. I say I hope I am not a disappointment as a daughter. Jeez, I'm so down on myself! Look at the way I think about myself! It's out of control. Did I used to be this bad? Maybe subconsciously I have always been, but am only now noticing? I know I used to ACT more happy....
- Decide to blog it all.
-All you need is love, dun da da da daaaaa, love is all you need.
- After proof reading the blog post, I am still not having an attack. I will not judge it either way. Tell fiancé he is cute.
Sending love to the world,
-L
Improvements In Mood and Sleep
I have been quite depressed over the last few months, which is not like me. I have always been happy, optimistic, creative, and ready for some fun.
See, my symptoms have gotten worse. I have quite a bit of burning sensations these days in the stomach/upper intestines, especially when I eat acidic foods. This might seem like an obviously result, but for a long time I could put a squeeze of lemon on my stir fry without it resulting in 2 days of feeling like I have an ulcer. This happens also with food that is too salty, spicey, or sour, like my beloved homemade yogurt.
Also, I did not get my period for 2 months. That was freaky. I did a liver flush, and it came back, although it has been a week late, as in a 5 week cycle, each time. I used to be 28 days on the dot. Now the last two periods have been more like 33 day cycles.
I can also no longer eat cauliflower, brussel sprouts or boy choy as they give me too much SIBO like gas. Also my cherished dandelion juice, which I used to use to help my liver, and boy did it ever, well it gave me a full on SIBO attack this spring.
So, it has been hard not to feel stressed when it seems like I am going backwards, despite my best (physical) attempts to get over this. Not improving would be preferable, obviously, to getting worse. So it's been quite depressing, and I've gotten quite negative.
The last few days I am have felt a shift in my mood though, and my ability to sleep properly. I used to always get up too early with racing thoughts and then not be able to get back to sleep. Lately though I have been sleeping for 8 hours very soundly, usually only having to get up to pee once, rather than twice if not three times.
Also, I feel more calm, and I feel my sense of humour returning. I feel a return to my old positive self, which is such a relief. It's not 100%, but it's good to know that it is still in there. I was feeling like I couldn't remember who I really am.
The MindFit is definitely helping, as is the meditation. I am also just really trying to redirect my negative thoughts and keep them positive.
I watched a Brian Tracey video on Youtube last week, and he was talking about never using the word "problem"; always call it an opportunity or a challenge instead. I like that, and that is how I have been trying to frame my current "opportunity"! It is an opportunity for me to become a master of my own mind!
It also has been fun to see that people are actually reading this blog! Please feel free to comment and say hi if you want; I'd love to know what your SIBO experience is.
With love,
L
See, my symptoms have gotten worse. I have quite a bit of burning sensations these days in the stomach/upper intestines, especially when I eat acidic foods. This might seem like an obviously result, but for a long time I could put a squeeze of lemon on my stir fry without it resulting in 2 days of feeling like I have an ulcer. This happens also with food that is too salty, spicey, or sour, like my beloved homemade yogurt.
Also, I did not get my period for 2 months. That was freaky. I did a liver flush, and it came back, although it has been a week late, as in a 5 week cycle, each time. I used to be 28 days on the dot. Now the last two periods have been more like 33 day cycles.
I can also no longer eat cauliflower, brussel sprouts or boy choy as they give me too much SIBO like gas. Also my cherished dandelion juice, which I used to use to help my liver, and boy did it ever, well it gave me a full on SIBO attack this spring.
So, it has been hard not to feel stressed when it seems like I am going backwards, despite my best (physical) attempts to get over this. Not improving would be preferable, obviously, to getting worse. So it's been quite depressing, and I've gotten quite negative.
The last few days I am have felt a shift in my mood though, and my ability to sleep properly. I used to always get up too early with racing thoughts and then not be able to get back to sleep. Lately though I have been sleeping for 8 hours very soundly, usually only having to get up to pee once, rather than twice if not three times.
Also, I feel more calm, and I feel my sense of humour returning. I feel a return to my old positive self, which is such a relief. It's not 100%, but it's good to know that it is still in there. I was feeling like I couldn't remember who I really am.
The MindFit is definitely helping, as is the meditation. I am also just really trying to redirect my negative thoughts and keep them positive.
I watched a Brian Tracey video on Youtube last week, and he was talking about never using the word "problem"; always call it an opportunity or a challenge instead. I like that, and that is how I have been trying to frame my current "opportunity"! It is an opportunity for me to become a master of my own mind!
It also has been fun to see that people are actually reading this blog! Please feel free to comment and say hi if you want; I'd love to know what your SIBO experience is.
With love,
L
Ended The Night With Intestinal Pain
Was it the squash? Was it the coconut oil fast the day before? Was it squash after the coconut oil day? Was it ALL IN MY MIND? Is it because my third Chakra is weak? It didn't feel like a SIBO attack, it felt like sharp little razors cutting me inside. I took a few yucca root capsules which are supposed to help with that, and lo and behold they kind of did. I will not eat the squash for breakfast today. I feel that I am still on the hunt for the perfect breakfast for me.
Tuesday 5 August 2014
The Foot Connection
I didn't mention this because I did't want to sound like a complete invalid, but last Tuesday my right foot totally bummed out. I got up off of the couch, and could no longer walk. I had to get my classes at the gym covered and yesterday fiancé's parents brought me crutches, so it's been bad. Probably another reason I finally had time to start the blog.
Symptoms are pointing towards plantar fasciitis, though the root seems to be because of some really tight muscles in my calf. Apparently the best thing is rest, though rolling on the calf muscles seems to help.....
Either way, my foot freakin hurts, and it is very hard to walk on. There has been a sad amount of limping.
So my friend is over, and she is a reflexologist. No way, no way, the part of my foot that hurts is my intestines. Is this surprising to anyone? Should it even be? Well, at least there is consistency!!!
Symptoms are pointing towards plantar fasciitis, though the root seems to be because of some really tight muscles in my calf. Apparently the best thing is rest, though rolling on the calf muscles seems to help.....
Either way, my foot freakin hurts, and it is very hard to walk on. There has been a sad amount of limping.
So my friend is over, and she is a reflexologist. No way, no way, the part of my foot that hurts is my intestines. Is this surprising to anyone? Should it even be? Well, at least there is consistency!!!
Fighting Myself
Just ate lunch. I want the antibiotics!
I am again looking online, who will sell them to me? Why are they so hard to get?!?!?!?
Sigh. Life is wonderful and everything is perfect. Time to get back to work. Good job body, you are an awesome creation that knows how to heal itself. Yup.
I am again looking online, who will sell them to me? Why are they so hard to get?!?!?!?
Sigh. Life is wonderful and everything is perfect. Time to get back to work. Good job body, you are an awesome creation that knows how to heal itself. Yup.
Why I have so much time for this right now!
Yes, clearly I currently have a lot of time on my hands.
Well, up until a month ago, I had three jobs and was working like a maniac.
One job at the gym, where I teach a yoga/pilates/thai chi fitness class, and a dance fitness class. That is enough for rent, and it is basically a fun way to stay fit and get some free/discount gym passes for me and my family. It is not a career.
Then for the past 3 years I was working at a little start up company. I was a private contractor. I helped grow the business by creating a very good reputation in my field there. By this past winter, we were exploding with clients who wanted my services there, and I literally had no extra time to take anyone on. So how does my boss repay me for 3 years or service with no raise? By trying to pay me less. LESS! Like 15 minutes less per hour. Ha! Thanks, but no. So I quit.
It's not like I couldn't use the money. We are saving for property, kids, you know, what 32 year olds save for. It's not like I didn't even LOVE my job. But I already knew something had to give. I knew it was coming from somewhere. So, there it was. Luckily I have been so busy working on everything that I have barely spent any money, so I have a bit of a savings, and fiancé still has his job, so we will survive.
I also have private clients, and that is what I am working to expand now. I have about 12, but since it is summer, business is slow.
I ALSO have a dream, and in that dream I think lie some answers. I have been much more active in my dream in the past, but I am thinking that neglecting my dream is not healthy.
I am ALSO working on two performance exams in my field. One is on Aug 23 and is the first like it that I have done. The other is very high level and I hope to register for the January session, assuming I am ready by then! I have already been working on it for 1.5 years.
The extra time is clearly needed though if I am going to do this experiment on changing my life and my health.
Just wanted to explain why I will be spending so much time meditating and breathing, a luxury I certainly haven't had for the past 3 years!
With love,
L
Well, up until a month ago, I had three jobs and was working like a maniac.
One job at the gym, where I teach a yoga/pilates/thai chi fitness class, and a dance fitness class. That is enough for rent, and it is basically a fun way to stay fit and get some free/discount gym passes for me and my family. It is not a career.
Then for the past 3 years I was working at a little start up company. I was a private contractor. I helped grow the business by creating a very good reputation in my field there. By this past winter, we were exploding with clients who wanted my services there, and I literally had no extra time to take anyone on. So how does my boss repay me for 3 years or service with no raise? By trying to pay me less. LESS! Like 15 minutes less per hour. Ha! Thanks, but no. So I quit.
It's not like I couldn't use the money. We are saving for property, kids, you know, what 32 year olds save for. It's not like I didn't even LOVE my job. But I already knew something had to give. I knew it was coming from somewhere. So, there it was. Luckily I have been so busy working on everything that I have barely spent any money, so I have a bit of a savings, and fiancé still has his job, so we will survive.
I also have private clients, and that is what I am working to expand now. I have about 12, but since it is summer, business is slow.
I ALSO have a dream, and in that dream I think lie some answers. I have been much more active in my dream in the past, but I am thinking that neglecting my dream is not healthy.
I am ALSO working on two performance exams in my field. One is on Aug 23 and is the first like it that I have done. The other is very high level and I hope to register for the January session, assuming I am ready by then! I have already been working on it for 1.5 years.
The extra time is clearly needed though if I am going to do this experiment on changing my life and my health.
Just wanted to explain why I will be spending so much time meditating and breathing, a luxury I certainly haven't had for the past 3 years!
With love,
L
Aug 5 '14 Meditation #1
The processes of my mind while meditating
1. stillness
2. forgive myself and forgive all others, we are all humans, perfection is not expected, forgiveness brings emotional freedom
3. oh right, my Chakras, breathe up and down the Chakras
4. breathe love into my body, i am full of love, breathe out to the universe, i am full of love to share with everybody
5. i am excited for today, today i can do many amazing things, i can do exciting things with my time and feel happy and grateful for this beautiful day.
Total time = 20 mins
1. stillness
2. forgive myself and forgive all others, we are all humans, perfection is not expected, forgiveness brings emotional freedom
3. oh right, my Chakras, breathe up and down the Chakras
4. breathe love into my body, i am full of love, breathe out to the universe, i am full of love to share with everybody
5. i am excited for today, today i can do many amazing things, i can do exciting things with my time and feel happy and grateful for this beautiful day.
Total time = 20 mins
Today's Fear - Breakfast
It actually began last night.
I decided I am going to try going back to my old breakfast, the one I ate for a year straight before 6 weeks of something completely different. I have been kind of silently freaking out about this decision for 12 hours now.
Starting around last June, I began eating squash for breakfast. First it was spaghetti squash, since I was diagnosed with candida, and that is an allowed carb. I would add nuts and seeds, some nut butter, coconut oil and cinnamon, and it was pretty darn good. Then, I bumped it up a notch to acorn squash; I knew that the candida diet was not going to solve my SIBO issues, and I needed carbs. I had always needed carbs in the morning, and SCD and GAPS say squash is acceptable. I took nut butter out of the mix and added my SCD 24 hour homemade goat yogurt or Bio-k. I experimented with buttercup and butternut also. I had really good success when I added a little bit of sweet potato, as I had read in a post that adding some yucca, sweet potato etc to your diet maybe was good to feed your beneficial flora. And it did seem to do just that. But at one point I got scared of the mannitol and starch and went back just to straight squash.
On June 26 of this year, I went down to the Dominican Republic for a wedding. It was at an all inclusive resort, and most of our meals were at a buffet. Naturally I was a little nervous about having so little control over my diet, so I brought down a small jar of coconut oil, a jar of nut butter, cinnamon, and a bag of sunflower seeds. What ended up happening was that for breakfast I would eat scrabbled eggs, a few slices of smoked salmon, and then a little concoction of the oil/cinnamon/nut butter/nuts. The whole thing was actually quite delicious and very satisfying. It helped me get over my need for carbs in the morning. I thought it might actually prevent me from having attacks too, since I was getting rid of that sugar from the squash in my gut first thing.
Well, I am not sure that it has helped anything. First of all, I started seeing mucous in my stool right away. At first I thought it might be candida; the homeopathic remedy I am on is for candida, and I thought wow, its working, it's coming out! Then I realized the egg and mucous connection. 6 weeks later, and the eggs are still producing mucous in the stool, even if I add toast to my breakfast (in an attempt to eat like a normal person). I began experimenting with adding no-no foods; see at the resort, everything was cooked with onions. And onions have proved to be a potential problem. Sometimes I can get away with them, but if conditions are right/wrong, they can lead to an attack. I seemed to be fine while away, so I decided to keep playing with fire upon my return. Well, I have had a lot of attacks in the past few weeks. I'd say one a week at least. And this is after having maybe 4 in 6 months when I was eating my squash for breakfast and playing very safe.
When I was eating my squash brekkie, it seemed to be better for my beneficial flora. I have def been a bit less "effortless" in the bathroom. I think that because of less flora, I have turned to things like more apples in the mornings and more juices containing carrots and beets in an attempt to move things along. This in turn has lead to more attacks. Eating the squash never provoked any attacks.
Regardless, I am terrified now of any change whatsoever, especially where it concerns sugar. Obvs squash is higher in sugar than the zucchini omelettes or chicken stir-fries I have been making (plus the nut butter concoction). But, it never seemed to trigger an attack, and I have had multiple attacks while having the egg/meat breakfast. It's hard people, it's hard when you can't trust food but you gotta eat.
So I am scared. Very very very very scared. What if now I am worse? What if now I can't handle my beloved squash? What if I keep getting worse to the point where I can't eat any carbs at all, and then I will never be able to poop! It's a maddening place to be, my mind.
I am trying not to be scared. I am telling myself that I believe in my health, in my body. I am going to do my stress MindFit now and then eat the damn squash. As you know with SIBO, it doesn't necessarily even happen right away; an attack will sneak up on you because of an accumulation of fibre and sugar and prebiotics or whatever it is for you. So I will eat it and then try so hard not to think about it. I will be full of love and excitement for this amazing day. I will focus on the other aspects of my blessed life. Perhaps I will need 2 meditations today.
Wish me luck
Sending love, health and happiness,
L
I decided I am going to try going back to my old breakfast, the one I ate for a year straight before 6 weeks of something completely different. I have been kind of silently freaking out about this decision for 12 hours now.
Starting around last June, I began eating squash for breakfast. First it was spaghetti squash, since I was diagnosed with candida, and that is an allowed carb. I would add nuts and seeds, some nut butter, coconut oil and cinnamon, and it was pretty darn good. Then, I bumped it up a notch to acorn squash; I knew that the candida diet was not going to solve my SIBO issues, and I needed carbs. I had always needed carbs in the morning, and SCD and GAPS say squash is acceptable. I took nut butter out of the mix and added my SCD 24 hour homemade goat yogurt or Bio-k. I experimented with buttercup and butternut also. I had really good success when I added a little bit of sweet potato, as I had read in a post that adding some yucca, sweet potato etc to your diet maybe was good to feed your beneficial flora. And it did seem to do just that. But at one point I got scared of the mannitol and starch and went back just to straight squash.
On June 26 of this year, I went down to the Dominican Republic for a wedding. It was at an all inclusive resort, and most of our meals were at a buffet. Naturally I was a little nervous about having so little control over my diet, so I brought down a small jar of coconut oil, a jar of nut butter, cinnamon, and a bag of sunflower seeds. What ended up happening was that for breakfast I would eat scrabbled eggs, a few slices of smoked salmon, and then a little concoction of the oil/cinnamon/nut butter/nuts. The whole thing was actually quite delicious and very satisfying. It helped me get over my need for carbs in the morning. I thought it might actually prevent me from having attacks too, since I was getting rid of that sugar from the squash in my gut first thing.
Well, I am not sure that it has helped anything. First of all, I started seeing mucous in my stool right away. At first I thought it might be candida; the homeopathic remedy I am on is for candida, and I thought wow, its working, it's coming out! Then I realized the egg and mucous connection. 6 weeks later, and the eggs are still producing mucous in the stool, even if I add toast to my breakfast (in an attempt to eat like a normal person). I began experimenting with adding no-no foods; see at the resort, everything was cooked with onions. And onions have proved to be a potential problem. Sometimes I can get away with them, but if conditions are right/wrong, they can lead to an attack. I seemed to be fine while away, so I decided to keep playing with fire upon my return. Well, I have had a lot of attacks in the past few weeks. I'd say one a week at least. And this is after having maybe 4 in 6 months when I was eating my squash for breakfast and playing very safe.
When I was eating my squash brekkie, it seemed to be better for my beneficial flora. I have def been a bit less "effortless" in the bathroom. I think that because of less flora, I have turned to things like more apples in the mornings and more juices containing carrots and beets in an attempt to move things along. This in turn has lead to more attacks. Eating the squash never provoked any attacks.
Regardless, I am terrified now of any change whatsoever, especially where it concerns sugar. Obvs squash is higher in sugar than the zucchini omelettes or chicken stir-fries I have been making (plus the nut butter concoction). But, it never seemed to trigger an attack, and I have had multiple attacks while having the egg/meat breakfast. It's hard people, it's hard when you can't trust food but you gotta eat.
So I am scared. Very very very very scared. What if now I am worse? What if now I can't handle my beloved squash? What if I keep getting worse to the point where I can't eat any carbs at all, and then I will never be able to poop! It's a maddening place to be, my mind.
I am trying not to be scared. I am telling myself that I believe in my health, in my body. I am going to do my stress MindFit now and then eat the damn squash. As you know with SIBO, it doesn't necessarily even happen right away; an attack will sneak up on you because of an accumulation of fibre and sugar and prebiotics or whatever it is for you. So I will eat it and then try so hard not to think about it. I will be full of love and excitement for this amazing day. I will focus on the other aspects of my blessed life. Perhaps I will need 2 meditations today.
Wish me luck
Sending love, health and happiness,
L
Monday 4 August 2014
Today's Mind Fit Session
Oh MindFit, I think I love you.
http://www.self-masterytechnology.com/MindFit/c1/index.html
Meditation is great and all, and I don't want to stop because I believe in the unmatched connection that I forge to that invisible field when I am very still and listening to silence, but MindFit is on a whole other level. Well, it's actually just a whole different thing, in my opinion. it was described once to me as "meditation on steroids", but I do not find that meditation is replaceable.
It is hard to describe the feeling, because it isn't an instant result. Like meditation, it seems that the benefits are reaped as you life your life, in your reactions, or your lack of reactions.
My chiro suggested that I should complete one full program before flitting about between the others.
(What is a program? Well, for example, there is a Stress Reduction program, IBS, Sales, Life Mastery, Mental Edge Golf, Entrepreneur Breakthrough, etc. Each program has maybe about 12 sessions in it, so you can progress through each session.)
It took all my good sense NOT to start with the IBS program. Why? Because as I have learned/am learning that the root OF the IBS is most likely stress. So I have started with the Stress Reduction Program. This means that I have committed to this one program for 12 weeks.
Last week I did session one, which was all about going into first the library of your mind that has all of the books of your life plus empty shelves waiting for the next books to be written.Then you go hangout in the enchanted forest of your dreams, and its pretty cool to be there. You hear all these messages about what an awesome time you are having being so relaxed, and how great it is to be stress free. This is while the lights from the glasses are flickering blue lights to your closed eyes that put you in very relaxed brain states, so you come out feeling pretty dang chill.
(Interestingly I realized after about the 3rd time in the library that I was seeing all the books as my life as kind of sad and unfortunate, and that I was a victim. I recognized this as a problem, and began to make myself see the books as happy and full of good fortune and love. I also began to anticipate that the future books would be full of the same awesomeness. So, good job, me. )
So today I started session two, which is about going to your ideal mountain top retreat. It's obviously ridiculously beautiful and clean. It asks you to note something really remarkable about your surroundings; for me it was the huge sky, be it blue or starry or cloudy. I have always thought that the sky looks like a giant jewel, the most gorgeous priceless unobtainable jewel, which doesn't bother me a bit because I don't wear jewelry. So I breathed and put that sky into my body. Ok.
Anyway, not too much more to say about it really, cause as I say, the results are not instant. I am just trying to journal everything that I do each day that either is working towards my goal of changing how I think/feel/talk about my health, or my weaknesses that work against it.
Sending love, health and happiness to all,
L
http://www.self-masterytechnology.com/MindFit/c1/index.html
Meditation is great and all, and I don't want to stop because I believe in the unmatched connection that I forge to that invisible field when I am very still and listening to silence, but MindFit is on a whole other level. Well, it's actually just a whole different thing, in my opinion. it was described once to me as "meditation on steroids", but I do not find that meditation is replaceable.
It is hard to describe the feeling, because it isn't an instant result. Like meditation, it seems that the benefits are reaped as you life your life, in your reactions, or your lack of reactions.
My chiro suggested that I should complete one full program before flitting about between the others.
(What is a program? Well, for example, there is a Stress Reduction program, IBS, Sales, Life Mastery, Mental Edge Golf, Entrepreneur Breakthrough, etc. Each program has maybe about 12 sessions in it, so you can progress through each session.)
It took all my good sense NOT to start with the IBS program. Why? Because as I have learned/am learning that the root OF the IBS is most likely stress. So I have started with the Stress Reduction Program. This means that I have committed to this one program for 12 weeks.
Last week I did session one, which was all about going into first the library of your mind that has all of the books of your life plus empty shelves waiting for the next books to be written.Then you go hangout in the enchanted forest of your dreams, and its pretty cool to be there. You hear all these messages about what an awesome time you are having being so relaxed, and how great it is to be stress free. This is while the lights from the glasses are flickering blue lights to your closed eyes that put you in very relaxed brain states, so you come out feeling pretty dang chill.
(Interestingly I realized after about the 3rd time in the library that I was seeing all the books as my life as kind of sad and unfortunate, and that I was a victim. I recognized this as a problem, and began to make myself see the books as happy and full of good fortune and love. I also began to anticipate that the future books would be full of the same awesomeness. So, good job, me. )
So today I started session two, which is about going to your ideal mountain top retreat. It's obviously ridiculously beautiful and clean. It asks you to note something really remarkable about your surroundings; for me it was the huge sky, be it blue or starry or cloudy. I have always thought that the sky looks like a giant jewel, the most gorgeous priceless unobtainable jewel, which doesn't bother me a bit because I don't wear jewelry. So I breathed and put that sky into my body. Ok.
Anyway, not too much more to say about it really, cause as I say, the results are not instant. I am just trying to journal everything that I do each day that either is working towards my goal of changing how I think/feel/talk about my health, or my weaknesses that work against it.
Sending love, health and happiness to all,
L
Today's Chakra Meditation
I decided I should start really tuning into the Chakras. I should full on hippie out and write down the sensations and images they produce when I focus on them and breathe into them. This way I can note any progress.
Root - not a lot of sensation, feels a little blocked/stressed/tight. - Hm, unremarkable I suppose.
Sacral - hypersensitive, the seat of perfectionism, self judging, not allowed to just be without the need to look and feel perfect, embarrassed by lack of perfection, desire to be loved. - WOAH! Quite unexpectedly bad.
Solar Plexus - extremely tight, locked up, hard to breath into, does not want to let go for expansion, awareness to it brings instant feeling of anxiety with a racing heart, breathing into it for a few minutes creates almost pain/ cramping/spasming. - Expectedly terrible.
Heart - instant feeling of light-headedness, vision of sitting atop fluffy white clouds, a bit tight, hard to expand chest on inhalation, sensation of spinning at an uneven speed, strange feeling in throat on exhalation, dizziness like going to fall over. - Expectedly dysfunctional.
Throat - a lot of sensation instantly, strong energy, focus brings opening, throbbing in throat, throbbing lymph nodes. - Better than I expected?
Third Eye - instant intense sensation, practically a headache in my forehead, self doubt and guilt, pain is very strong but goes away when I shift focus. - Was not expecting the pain, I thought this one was doing alright.....
Crown - feeling of being pulled up my a magnet, felt in scalp, ears, non-stop buzzing like a scalp massage. - Thank goodness one of out seven doesn't feel like a total disaster.
OOPS - almost forgot to add that after going through each individual Chakra, I breathe in deeply and go up though each Chakra until I am above my head, and then exhale and go back down until I am under my body. I do this a few times to try to get the Chakras to harmonize their spinning? I am not sure on the science, but I think this is how I activate my kundalini? Perhaps I will look more into it later. Regardless, as I was doing this, I started thinking about my past and longing for the healthier digestive system that I used to have. Specifically I was reminiscing on old parties with friends that I lost through my break-up, and how I would have so much fun drinking my favourite bevy, Guinness. NO L, no past thinking allowed. No living in the past. No pity parties for myself. I redirect my thinking to a present full of gratitude for all that I have right now, and the excitement of the beautiful future to come. I spend a few minutes repeating these ideas to myself; the present is perfect, the future is exciting. And then I open my eyes.
Total Time = 27 minutes.
Root - not a lot of sensation, feels a little blocked/stressed/tight. - Hm, unremarkable I suppose.
Sacral - hypersensitive, the seat of perfectionism, self judging, not allowed to just be without the need to look and feel perfect, embarrassed by lack of perfection, desire to be loved. - WOAH! Quite unexpectedly bad.
Solar Plexus - extremely tight, locked up, hard to breath into, does not want to let go for expansion, awareness to it brings instant feeling of anxiety with a racing heart, breathing into it for a few minutes creates almost pain/ cramping/spasming. - Expectedly terrible.
Heart - instant feeling of light-headedness, vision of sitting atop fluffy white clouds, a bit tight, hard to expand chest on inhalation, sensation of spinning at an uneven speed, strange feeling in throat on exhalation, dizziness like going to fall over. - Expectedly dysfunctional.
Throat - a lot of sensation instantly, strong energy, focus brings opening, throbbing in throat, throbbing lymph nodes. - Better than I expected?
Third Eye - instant intense sensation, practically a headache in my forehead, self doubt and guilt, pain is very strong but goes away when I shift focus. - Was not expecting the pain, I thought this one was doing alright.....
Crown - feeling of being pulled up my a magnet, felt in scalp, ears, non-stop buzzing like a scalp massage. - Thank goodness one of out seven doesn't feel like a total disaster.
OOPS - almost forgot to add that after going through each individual Chakra, I breathe in deeply and go up though each Chakra until I am above my head, and then exhale and go back down until I am under my body. I do this a few times to try to get the Chakras to harmonize their spinning? I am not sure on the science, but I think this is how I activate my kundalini? Perhaps I will look more into it later. Regardless, as I was doing this, I started thinking about my past and longing for the healthier digestive system that I used to have. Specifically I was reminiscing on old parties with friends that I lost through my break-up, and how I would have so much fun drinking my favourite bevy, Guinness. NO L, no past thinking allowed. No living in the past. No pity parties for myself. I redirect my thinking to a present full of gratitude for all that I have right now, and the excitement of the beautiful future to come. I spend a few minutes repeating these ideas to myself; the present is perfect, the future is exciting. And then I open my eyes.
Total Time = 27 minutes.
Intro - The Motivation
Well hello,
Welcome to this blog. I hope it helps you. I hope it helps me. If you are coming here, you probably need help. Or think you need help. I think I need help. I am trying to get over that.
It's really hard to know where to begin.
I believe I have SIBO, which stands for Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth. I am quite sure that I do, even though I have never been diagnosed. I have seen 5 medical doctors over the past 2 years trying to get someone to test me for this thing. I am also seeing a homoeopath and a chiropractor. I know they can't do the test, but they have been helpful in other ways which I will describe at some point.
Right now, the main issue is that I have finally been able to get a requisition for the hydrogen/methane breath test, but I am looking at about a 9 month wait time. Apparently here in Ontario, we have ONE place that does the test 2 days a week, and that's it. So you wait. So I wait.
Yes, I have been trying to get this test for 2 years, and now I am looking at waiting maybe up to another year to even get the test. There are no other ways to get the antibiotics that clear this overgrowth. Is this a cruel joke? I even know the names of the two antibiotics that I need, can't someone just give them to me, please???
At first upon finding out that this was my time frame, I freaked out. What else can I do? Who else can I see? Where else can I go? What else can I take? Now, I have already tried a ridiculous amount of herbs. I don't like them. It feels like they just mess up the good bacteria that I do have, and they pretty much always leave me in a worse condition. I do like taking some Olive Leaf, because it seems to be very gentle and more about immune support than killing bugs, so I still dabble in that. But as far as the heavy duty nuke type herbs like oil of oregano and wormwood, I would rather stay away. If anything I feel they have made this worse.
So what are my options here? I am not going to lie, I have considered suicide multiple times, at least 30, over the past two months alone. The stress of this condition is seemingly unavoidable when I have to eat 3 meals a day. I never know when an attack might be lurking around the corner. I have developed a leaky gut and am sensitive to over 150 foods. I teach a few fitness classes as a part time money maker, and I feel self conscious and disgusting if my belly feel gross and poopy. But I know suicide is selfish; my mom, my fiancé, my brothers; I know I would probably be damaging the psyches of several people. I do not want to be responsible for psychologically damaging people that I love.
The homoeopathic remedy that I have been taking for the past 1.5 months has taught me a few things. I may describe them in more detail at one point, but the most relevant bit right now is that there is a connection to my emotions and the state of my health. For example, this whole SIBO thing started when I broke up with my ex. I did it very badly. I did it because I had fallen in love with a friend, who is now my fiance. I will not get into all the gory details, but the end result was a me creating a huge hurt for him, and for me a guilt that has literally eaten holes in my gut. I feel the guilt in THE EXACT same place that I get my SIBO symptoms. I got SIBO when I was feeling completely overrun with guilt, a guilt that to this day is still not completely gone.
Not only do I feel guilt in this area of my body (the solar plexus, third chakra) but I feel stress, anxiety and anger all in the same place.
My chiropractor has been talking to me for about a year about the mind body connection, and the affects of stress on the body. This is not a foreign concept to me, nor do I reject the idea. It's just not something I really figured applied to my condition. Then I started to realize that it does. Like, really does. Like, maybe completely totally IS the source of the problem?
Wayne Dyer - Louise Hay - Deepak Chopra - Bruce Lipton - Lissa Rankin. I have been reading, watching listening, whenever I can. Starting to see something here; maybe I can actually CURE myself by changing the way I see, think and feel?
A few times at the chiropractor's I tried something called MindFit (See Self-Mastery.com or ZenFrames). Basically it is an audiovisual program; you wear glasses that emit lights in certain rhythms while listening to audio of voices and music. All together, it puts you into alpha and theta brain states, which is where you can retrain your subconscious mind to let go of stress, overcome addictions, make more money, overcome IBS, etc etc. There are dozens of programs to chose from. So, I bought the unit. For $450 I have this thing at home to try to retrain my brain, because clearly, it is being a real pain in my butt!
What I have learned is that your conscious mind constitutes about 5% or your daily functioning, whereas 95% is run from your subconscious. The subconscious is like a tape machine on constant play back, replaying its programming that you have been acquiring since you were a fetus. Actually, until the age of about 6, you aren't even using your little conscious mind yet; you are purely on input mode and being programmed. As someone who's parents got divorced as a young child, and not particularly nicely, I can already see why this is a problem for me.
Anyhow, I am at a total standstill with my doctors. I have exhausted trying herbs and fasts and cleanses. I have tried the GAPS diet, the SCD diet, the candida diet, the damn fruit diet (which is a huge reason I developed SIBO in the first place.) I have tried pretending I don't have SIBO and just eating normal food. No, none of these things have worked. I have not tried illegally obtaining the antibiotics from the black market, though I did look into that again today. And no, I suppose I will not commit suicide. (As my uncle recently told me, I SHOULD feel grateful for what I have, my life isn't near as bad as many on this planet, and that is completely true.)
So. I wait, I guess. Not my strong suit. Therefore, as I wait for these tests, I have decided to try this ONE MORE experiment. I will see if through the power of my mind I can reverse this nightmare of a condition. This is more than just positive thinking, writing affirmations and saying I love you in the mirror. I need a full rewire. I need to retrain my subconscious mind. I need to "rewrite the story".
There are thousands of documented cases of spontaneous remission. There are people who can walk across hot coals without being burned. There are religious zealots who can drink strychnine without any ill effect, all because they BELIEVE they will be healthy. Belief. Not kind of believe, not a little bit of belief, full on 100% no doubt in the mind knowing that it is the truth.
Well. I have had some great success in the past with stretches of meditation. I feel I have had a lot of stress from the divorce of my parents and from everything that resulted from that, and meditation has helped me to at least be able to convince most people that I am not crazy. Maybe even the struggle plus the work to overcome it has led me to some decent amount of spiritual evolution. AND, amazingly, as Bruce Lipton writes about in his book The Honeymoon Effect, I DID experience PERFECT health, I mean the best of my whole life, while me and my fiancé were in the absolute throws of falling in love. I could eat and poop with the best of them without a glitch. That was, until the paralyzing guilt kicked in and brought hell's wrath into my small intestine.
In conclusion, I have decided to give it my all to rewrite my story, to reprogram my mind, and to allow my body to heal itself from what I believe to be SIBO. I will be using my MindFit. I will be doing my meditations on my Chakra's, on forgiveness, on love. I will be doing Pranayama, Yogic breathing exercises to increase my life force. I will be changing the way I talk about my condition, the way I talk about myself, the way I talk about my life, the way I talk about others, the way I talk to other. I will change what I expect from myself, what I expect from life, and what I expect from others. These are the measures I will be employing to bring about this healing in my body.
Measures I am avoiding are supplements, fasts, cleanses, weird dietary choices, and being overly concerned with non-perfect digestion and elimination. I am already struggling with all of the above. I bought lactoferrin for $60 dollars on Monday. It made me sick in the gut, constipation of course. So I took it back and decided to try one last persons protocol for SIBO. That made me have an attack. Then today I am doing a coconut oil detox, where I drink coconut oil all day as an attempt to balance my sad gut flora. It can't be that bad, I already eat coconut oil everyday, and everyone knows it's full of the same things that are in mothers milk, of which I had none as an infant. I have tried this before, and it strengthened my digestion. I have done liver flushes before and have also found them to be helpful, so I will do one of those next month, but seriously, I gotta stop trying too many different things all the time. I am addicted to tinkering with my body.
So the mission is; place my body with faith into the hands of the positive energy of the world. Get rid of my negative, destructive and limiting beliefs and actions. Allow love to heal me from what seems to be completely un-healable. Is it possible? Apparently, I have to believe it is. So I do? Everyday I am working to strengthen this belief. But I know that along the way there will be successes and failures. That is what this blog will chronicle. I hope you will enjoy.
I was considering doing this experiment without blogging; the Tao advises living in obscurity. But I KNOW I will be more accountable if I publicize my efforts. And of course, if any of this helps anyone else, then at least we are making some progress. But to avoid having this be my legacy when I really am trying to do other things with my life, I will not be using my real name. Unless at one point it means making money from it or something, ha!! For now, just call me L.
With all my love,
L
Welcome to this blog. I hope it helps you. I hope it helps me. If you are coming here, you probably need help. Or think you need help. I think I need help. I am trying to get over that.
It's really hard to know where to begin.
I believe I have SIBO, which stands for Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth. I am quite sure that I do, even though I have never been diagnosed. I have seen 5 medical doctors over the past 2 years trying to get someone to test me for this thing. I am also seeing a homoeopath and a chiropractor. I know they can't do the test, but they have been helpful in other ways which I will describe at some point.
Right now, the main issue is that I have finally been able to get a requisition for the hydrogen/methane breath test, but I am looking at about a 9 month wait time. Apparently here in Ontario, we have ONE place that does the test 2 days a week, and that's it. So you wait. So I wait.
Yes, I have been trying to get this test for 2 years, and now I am looking at waiting maybe up to another year to even get the test. There are no other ways to get the antibiotics that clear this overgrowth. Is this a cruel joke? I even know the names of the two antibiotics that I need, can't someone just give them to me, please???
At first upon finding out that this was my time frame, I freaked out. What else can I do? Who else can I see? Where else can I go? What else can I take? Now, I have already tried a ridiculous amount of herbs. I don't like them. It feels like they just mess up the good bacteria that I do have, and they pretty much always leave me in a worse condition. I do like taking some Olive Leaf, because it seems to be very gentle and more about immune support than killing bugs, so I still dabble in that. But as far as the heavy duty nuke type herbs like oil of oregano and wormwood, I would rather stay away. If anything I feel they have made this worse.
So what are my options here? I am not going to lie, I have considered suicide multiple times, at least 30, over the past two months alone. The stress of this condition is seemingly unavoidable when I have to eat 3 meals a day. I never know when an attack might be lurking around the corner. I have developed a leaky gut and am sensitive to over 150 foods. I teach a few fitness classes as a part time money maker, and I feel self conscious and disgusting if my belly feel gross and poopy. But I know suicide is selfish; my mom, my fiancé, my brothers; I know I would probably be damaging the psyches of several people. I do not want to be responsible for psychologically damaging people that I love.
The homoeopathic remedy that I have been taking for the past 1.5 months has taught me a few things. I may describe them in more detail at one point, but the most relevant bit right now is that there is a connection to my emotions and the state of my health. For example, this whole SIBO thing started when I broke up with my ex. I did it very badly. I did it because I had fallen in love with a friend, who is now my fiance. I will not get into all the gory details, but the end result was a me creating a huge hurt for him, and for me a guilt that has literally eaten holes in my gut. I feel the guilt in THE EXACT same place that I get my SIBO symptoms. I got SIBO when I was feeling completely overrun with guilt, a guilt that to this day is still not completely gone.
Not only do I feel guilt in this area of my body (the solar plexus, third chakra) but I feel stress, anxiety and anger all in the same place.
My chiropractor has been talking to me for about a year about the mind body connection, and the affects of stress on the body. This is not a foreign concept to me, nor do I reject the idea. It's just not something I really figured applied to my condition. Then I started to realize that it does. Like, really does. Like, maybe completely totally IS the source of the problem?
Wayne Dyer - Louise Hay - Deepak Chopra - Bruce Lipton - Lissa Rankin. I have been reading, watching listening, whenever I can. Starting to see something here; maybe I can actually CURE myself by changing the way I see, think and feel?
A few times at the chiropractor's I tried something called MindFit (See Self-Mastery.com or ZenFrames). Basically it is an audiovisual program; you wear glasses that emit lights in certain rhythms while listening to audio of voices and music. All together, it puts you into alpha and theta brain states, which is where you can retrain your subconscious mind to let go of stress, overcome addictions, make more money, overcome IBS, etc etc. There are dozens of programs to chose from. So, I bought the unit. For $450 I have this thing at home to try to retrain my brain, because clearly, it is being a real pain in my butt!
What I have learned is that your conscious mind constitutes about 5% or your daily functioning, whereas 95% is run from your subconscious. The subconscious is like a tape machine on constant play back, replaying its programming that you have been acquiring since you were a fetus. Actually, until the age of about 6, you aren't even using your little conscious mind yet; you are purely on input mode and being programmed. As someone who's parents got divorced as a young child, and not particularly nicely, I can already see why this is a problem for me.
Anyhow, I am at a total standstill with my doctors. I have exhausted trying herbs and fasts and cleanses. I have tried the GAPS diet, the SCD diet, the candida diet, the damn fruit diet (which is a huge reason I developed SIBO in the first place.) I have tried pretending I don't have SIBO and just eating normal food. No, none of these things have worked. I have not tried illegally obtaining the antibiotics from the black market, though I did look into that again today. And no, I suppose I will not commit suicide. (As my uncle recently told me, I SHOULD feel grateful for what I have, my life isn't near as bad as many on this planet, and that is completely true.)
So. I wait, I guess. Not my strong suit. Therefore, as I wait for these tests, I have decided to try this ONE MORE experiment. I will see if through the power of my mind I can reverse this nightmare of a condition. This is more than just positive thinking, writing affirmations and saying I love you in the mirror. I need a full rewire. I need to retrain my subconscious mind. I need to "rewrite the story".
There are thousands of documented cases of spontaneous remission. There are people who can walk across hot coals without being burned. There are religious zealots who can drink strychnine without any ill effect, all because they BELIEVE they will be healthy. Belief. Not kind of believe, not a little bit of belief, full on 100% no doubt in the mind knowing that it is the truth.
Well. I have had some great success in the past with stretches of meditation. I feel I have had a lot of stress from the divorce of my parents and from everything that resulted from that, and meditation has helped me to at least be able to convince most people that I am not crazy. Maybe even the struggle plus the work to overcome it has led me to some decent amount of spiritual evolution. AND, amazingly, as Bruce Lipton writes about in his book The Honeymoon Effect, I DID experience PERFECT health, I mean the best of my whole life, while me and my fiancé were in the absolute throws of falling in love. I could eat and poop with the best of them without a glitch. That was, until the paralyzing guilt kicked in and brought hell's wrath into my small intestine.
In conclusion, I have decided to give it my all to rewrite my story, to reprogram my mind, and to allow my body to heal itself from what I believe to be SIBO. I will be using my MindFit. I will be doing my meditations on my Chakra's, on forgiveness, on love. I will be doing Pranayama, Yogic breathing exercises to increase my life force. I will be changing the way I talk about my condition, the way I talk about myself, the way I talk about my life, the way I talk about others, the way I talk to other. I will change what I expect from myself, what I expect from life, and what I expect from others. These are the measures I will be employing to bring about this healing in my body.
Measures I am avoiding are supplements, fasts, cleanses, weird dietary choices, and being overly concerned with non-perfect digestion and elimination. I am already struggling with all of the above. I bought lactoferrin for $60 dollars on Monday. It made me sick in the gut, constipation of course. So I took it back and decided to try one last persons protocol for SIBO. That made me have an attack. Then today I am doing a coconut oil detox, where I drink coconut oil all day as an attempt to balance my sad gut flora. It can't be that bad, I already eat coconut oil everyday, and everyone knows it's full of the same things that are in mothers milk, of which I had none as an infant. I have tried this before, and it strengthened my digestion. I have done liver flushes before and have also found them to be helpful, so I will do one of those next month, but seriously, I gotta stop trying too many different things all the time. I am addicted to tinkering with my body.
So the mission is; place my body with faith into the hands of the positive energy of the world. Get rid of my negative, destructive and limiting beliefs and actions. Allow love to heal me from what seems to be completely un-healable. Is it possible? Apparently, I have to believe it is. So I do? Everyday I am working to strengthen this belief. But I know that along the way there will be successes and failures. That is what this blog will chronicle. I hope you will enjoy.
I was considering doing this experiment without blogging; the Tao advises living in obscurity. But I KNOW I will be more accountable if I publicize my efforts. And of course, if any of this helps anyone else, then at least we are making some progress. But to avoid having this be my legacy when I really am trying to do other things with my life, I will not be using my real name. Unless at one point it means making money from it or something, ha!! For now, just call me L.
With all my love,
L
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