This is how my mind has gone along since I last wrote;
- Listen to Bruce Lipton on Youtube. He talks about how the environment of a cell is more important to it's health than it's genes. He talks about how fetuses are getting programmed by their mother's emotions while pregnant. That is not a good start for me. I am sure my mom was very stressed out.
- Teach a nice yoga/pilates class at the gym. That always makes me feel good.
- Eat lunch on subway; I know people think this is wrong to do, but I have 30 minutes to kill. While eating I focus on 3rd Chakra and think; I am meant to be here on this planet, I have a purpose, I am healthy. Positive thoughts, everything is great. I digest this food well and it serves me in health.
- After getting where I am going, I feel a giant mood drop. Feeling funny tummy feelings. Feel on the verge of tears, I don't want to deal with this right now.
- Get back on subway about 2 hours later, do some Chakra meditation. Love, breathe, relax. It's going to be ok. In the back of my mind I think of just quitting all work and stopping to eat until someone either helps me or I starve or I finally starve out whatever alien bugs have taken over my guts.
- Get to next place I am going, keep it together for work. End up talking to client who is a therapist in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and how it could maybe help me. This is her specialty. She used to get IBS, believe this helped. She hasn't had any IBS since having her kids. She suggests I get pregnant. Funnily enough, my mom said she has lots of constipation until she gave birth to me, then never again.
- On the way home think about releasing the guilt I feel over ex. Release, release, forgive myself. I wish I could know if he forgives me. It's ok. Start thinking about the CBT idea of balanced thoughts. Realize I have been thinking of myself as a "bad person". Start trying to balance by thinking to myself "I am a good person". Don't get angry at myself, be nice to myself, I am a good person, it's ok that I ate the squash..... But in the back of my mind I think, it would be so easy just to end it all.....
- Get home; fiancé is putting together some new furniture, so I suggest we order instead of cook. Indian has been lurking on the menu for a long time, but I keep putting it off due to fear; fear of spiciness and onions. But tonight I think, eff it, lets do it so you can put together the desk. I'm brave, I'm healthy, I'm normal, everything is going to be ok. (I could cook, but my foot is kind of bummy still after being out and about on it all day.....)
- I sit down to do some work, and I feel the funny flutters in the tummy; it's a pre-SIBO kind of feeling. That danm squash! I start getting angry at myself; WHY did I eat the squash after doing the coconut oil day? Why did I do a coconut oil day, could it make me worse? What if I am worse? What it only keeps getting worse?
- Fiance notices I am silently freaking out. I tell him I want to kill myself. I didn't say it for drama, I just can't handle this feeling anymore. Like, I am so tired of talking to him about it; he doesnt deserve it. He says not to say that. He says he believes there is nothing wrong with me, I have to believe it to, that I am not really doing my experiment if I don't believe it. I tell him I am scared to eat the Indian food. He says he loves me, just believe there is nothing wrong with me, he believes I can do it. He says no more stuff, no more tinkering, no more coconut oil days and weird experiments. No more reading about SIBO on the internet for hours every day. Ok ok, I really am just keeping it together for him. But I am going to take some yucca root before the food comes because it does seem to really really help with gas without burning my tummy. He gives me his blessing to do that, but then I must stop thinking about it.
- Indian food comes. Halfway though eating it, I notice there are tons of chunks of onions in the sag paneer! Hm. I specifically asked for no added onions! I pick out the rest of what I can see. Sigh.
- I don't really feel anything for a while after eating. That's good because usually an attack happens within 2 minutes of me swallowing the first bite.
- After about 20 minutes I feel the familiar feeling of tummy rumblings. It could still be bad, it could still be an attack. But right now I am feeling ok about it. I don't feel stressed. I don't feel anxious. It might blow, it could be an attack. I have no idea. I will take more yucca in about an hour. And wait. And in the meantime I will do my work and think to myself, there is nothing wrong with me. My body is amazing and healthy and able to heal itself from anything. I love myself and I am a good person. I will be extra nice to my fiancé for always putting up with my crap.
- I open the invitation his mom has sent; she is throwing me a bridal shower. He says he thinks she is very excited to have a daughter now, cause she only has had sons until now. I say I hope I am not a disappointment as a daughter. Jeez, I'm so down on myself! Look at the way I think about myself! It's out of control. Did I used to be this bad? Maybe subconsciously I have always been, but am only now noticing? I know I used to ACT more happy....
- Decide to blog it all.
-All you need is love, dun da da da daaaaa, love is all you need.
- After proof reading the blog post, I am still not having an attack. I will not judge it either way. Tell fiancé he is cute.
Sending love to the world,
-L
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